X I.  Seek From Thyself cont'd...

A: I shared much appreciation with my friend for helping with the little they did and this encouragement came as a warm surprise to them, simply because they knew they quickly abandoned me and gave up. With the second option, yes, even though they were wrong, if I expressed resentment, this could have filled them with a sense of regret to volunteer or bitterness.

Q: Abstinence: Did I sacrifice something deep within me and did I also let go of constant reasoning?

A: In that moment I figuratively died to myself, offering that kindness or small good to my friend. In doing so I could take on my task with penance, coming out the other side a new person, realizing that it would make me become better at practicing humility, not always expecting something from others in return. I completely let go of the reasoning that my friend should take care to finish something if they volunteer to do it. Although this justification could have led to a “greater good” and my friend might have stopped allowing moments for these bad habits to manifest, on my end it could have also given way to constant inner complaining and more entitlement; a reason to grumble at every turn and I don't believe for a second that this would not have had a darkening effect on my soul, lunging me into this burning need to correct or quickly see the negative in people.

Q: Repentance: How did I learn about redemption and how did I use it to avoid the past?

A: When I accepted everything with a good heart, the little or no help that was given, that became the end of it. I told God thank you and even if I had been wronged I lowered myself as deserving of such wrongness. I thank our blessed Savior as the greatest example of being on the receiving end of unfair treatment. I thank Him for the lowly opportunity to change my heart and unite it with His sufferings. In this manner I am able to continue lowering myself away from entitlement. Everytime the thought came back I spurned it by becoming like dirt, and lowering myself to the likeness of a slave. Once I did this I was free from pride, from dissent, and merely a new spirit, a new servant of God. Of course, avoiding to somehow confront someone for doing wrong is not something I have to do everyday as not to become an enabler but I can choose a random time “such as lent” to let go of my justified reasoning and show someone more peace and a refreshness of love that may ultimately change my spirit and theirs in this new 40 day period.

Q: How will I approach the resurrection this year and seek eternal life?

A: I will try to gain something deeper from difficult practices that will prepare me to fully embrace God's victory over death. In the most trying times I must learn how to overcome myself and embrace the spirit of gratitude. A spirit that a Christian should embrace even in the darkest hour. This cannot be done if it is never into practice even in the smallest way. I also want to continuously acknowledge that an unfair situation can impart a blessing upon myself and others who witness my newly formed habits and reap the benefits, likely to imitate them, likely to imitate Christ. God is most happy in those moments when I prove to Him that I can see through the blind disorder. It is not the perfectly finished chores in the future week that will save my soul but how I imparted good in all the passing moments to my neighbor. Love does not give way to sin, it is not supposed to be calculating or logical. There is no merit to be gained in doing things only for swift reward. Generously donating to others when I barely have enough to make ends meet. Accepting to graciously help an elderly up the stairs with groceries when they can clearly see I am running late for work. Joyfully cleaning up after someone even though I know they will not say thank you and the mess will quickly return to its previous state. These are the things He sees, and the internal sacrifices that never go unnoticed by the one true hidden God.